craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
