My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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