Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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