you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
