I am spending my child support on dildos
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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