my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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