fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
