It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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