Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
