I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He shit in the fireplace
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
