Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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