My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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