you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
