I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
