hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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