i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
