I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
