My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
