Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
