I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
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