All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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