Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
