Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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