i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Im part way to drunk.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
