I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
