I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
