i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
