That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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