i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
