you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
