he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
