if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
