Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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