I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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