There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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