I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
