My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
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Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
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You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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