Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
