from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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