Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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