If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
