seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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