Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
