She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
