he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
