oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
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Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
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I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
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