Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
