Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
