The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
