I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Randomize
