This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
