No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
