ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you will always have a special place in my vag
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
