Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
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someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
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I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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