My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
