maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
